I entered the world fighting. I was fighting for my life and i don't think i have ever stopped. I don't think i know how to stop if i am honest about it, which is probably a good thing even though i'm not quite sure if it is or not.
I often wonder if i was born with depression already plotting its chaotic journey through my life, or if i'd had different experiences as a child would the black dog ever have raised its ugly head at all? It seems somewhat cruel to think of an innocent newborn baby having a pre destined and tainted life mapped out in front of it, but then again it seems cruel that anyone would be born into a life that is less than perfect does it not? If i wasn't born with depression already waiting for its time to surface though, that raises another ugly question - does that mean my parents are to blame? I know they have thought about it and asked themselves the question where did they go wrong probably more often than they would ever admit to.
I should point out the question of was i born this way? or was i made into a person with depression via my childhood experiences? has baffled practically every expert in psychology at some point in their studies. Some may lean more towards one side or the other, but the fact is no-one knows for sure. The general consensus is its a combination of both a genetic predisposition and envronmental triggers that causes depression for anyone who experiences it (not just me). Thankfully where it comes from is not actually that important even though most of us seem to revist that question often during the sleepless nights and days filled with dispair. The important bit is learning to live despite feeling like life is not worth living on a frequent basis.
Everyday i learn how to live with this condition and today i feel like writing some of it down. I have no real plan to follow, no expectations of where this writing will lead, or whether it will ever be read. I guess if you are reading this i have managed to keep putting my thoughts and experiences together into some sort of document. I hope you enjoy reading about my battles with the black dog and the relief and mischief that comes with the white cat's visits.
I often wonder if i was born with depression already plotting its chaotic journey through my life, or if i'd had different experiences as a child would the black dog ever have raised its ugly head at all? It seems somewhat cruel to think of an innocent newborn baby having a pre destined and tainted life mapped out in front of it, but then again it seems cruel that anyone would be born into a life that is less than perfect does it not? If i wasn't born with depression already waiting for its time to surface though, that raises another ugly question - does that mean my parents are to blame? I know they have thought about it and asked themselves the question where did they go wrong probably more often than they would ever admit to. I should point out the question of was i born this way? or was i made into a person with depression via my childhood experiences? has baffled practically every expert in psychology at some point in their studies. Some may lean more towards one side or the other, but the fact is no-one knows for sure. The general consensus is its a combination of both a genetic predisposition and envronmental triggers that causes depression for anyone who experiences it (not just me). Thankfully where it comes from is not actually that important even though most of us seem to revist that question often during the sleepless nights and days filled with dispair. The important bit is learning to live despite feeling like life is not worth living on a frequent basis.
